Jokes

[jaydenl]

Well they have everything else but jokes so i thought I might add it.


Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.


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There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.
"Anywhere I go, she goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks.
''One thousand dollars for the food.''
''But I haven't touched the food."
''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."
''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!''
''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."
''But I slept on the floor!''
''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."
''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.''
''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.''
''It was there. You should have!''


*************

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"


**************


A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

[David]

[David]

Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'

From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet ...

'Well, f -- ckin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!'

[jaydenl]

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.

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Yo mama is so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the bathroom scale.

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What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Santa?

Nothing, they both leave children's bedrooms with empty sacks!

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Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
Father: Sure, son. What's the question?
Son: What is politics?
Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me “Tony Blair.” Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her “Gordon Brown.” We take care of your needs, so we'll call you “the People.” We'll call the maid “the Working Class,” and your baby brother we can call “the Future.” Do you understand, son?
Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.
Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?
Son: Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.

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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
...Governor George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."
...Governor George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
...Governor George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush to reporters

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
...Governor George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...Governor George W. Bush

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
...George W. Bush

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
...Governor George W. Bush

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush

[jaydenl]

Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
So when the fuck's he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what revenge, your on the rag.

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Roses are red
Violets are corney
When I think of you
Ohh baby I get horney
Eat me
Beat me
Bite me
Blow me
Suck me
Fuck me
Very slowly
If you kiss me
Don't be sassy
Use your tounge
And make it nasty!!!!

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Sex is when a guys comunication
Enters a girls information
To increase the population
For a younger generation
Do you get the information...
Or do you need a demonstaration

********************

Kissing is a sport
Fucking is a game
Guys get all the pleasure
Girls get all the pain
The guy says, "I love you."
You belive its true
9 months later
He says, "To hell with you."
The baby is a bastard
The mother is a whore
All this wouldn't have happened
If the rubber hadn't tore.

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Roses are red, pickles are green
I love your legs and whats between
I like your style like your class
But most of all I like your ass
I'm a cool girl, in a cool town
It takes a real mother fucker to put me down

[David]

Bad Birthday

Dear Whiners and Complainers...

Two years ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." The children never said a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good Morning, boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and I enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And there I sat...on the couch...naked.

It was all down hill from there. My wife left with the kids, my boss fired me, my friends hated me, I couldn't afford the payments on the car and I had to sell it, I started eating to much and gained weight. I moved to another town and got a job in Kmart and I am trying to start a new life here.

[jaydenl]

Something I found quite funny. I was playing Halo 3 on Xbox Live the other night. When I died, the guy who killed me, ran other to my dead body, and started lowering his ass into my face. It was funny cause I seen Conan O'Brien last night and a guest star said the exact same thing happened to him... what dorks!

[Salocin]

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum and one night they decide they don't like living there anymore, so they decide they're going to escape. They get up on the roof and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight.

Now, the first guy jumps across the gap with no problem, but his friend didn't want to jump because he is afraid of falling. So the first guy says:

"Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings and you can just walk across it and join me!"

But the second guy just shakes his head and says "Do you think I'm crazy? You'd turn it off when I was halfway across!"

[Shangas]

Jack and Bob are two inmates in a lunatic asylum. Jack has a deathwish and Bob is criminally-insane.

One afternoon, Jack is out swimming in the asylum's pool. He's not a very good swimmer so he's using a kickboard. Once he's out nice and deep, he lets go of the board and tries to commit suicide by drowning. The lifeguard throws him a life-preserver, but Jack refuses to grab onto it. Bob dives into the pool, grabs Jack by the throat and drags him back to the edge of the pool. The lifeguard acknowledges that Bob has saved Jack's life and he goes to speak to the warden.

A couple of days later, Bob is called into the office where the warden and the doctors are.

"Well Bob, the lifeguard told us what happened and how you saved Jack's life. I can see you've finally seen the error of your ways. We're currently in the process of sorting out your release-papers. However I have some bad news."

Bob is shocked and asks what's happened.

"Regrettably," the warden says, "Despite your efforts, Jack still managed to commit suicide. He hung himself by the pipes in the changing rooms after you left."

"Oh..." said Bob. "He didn't kill himself, I was hanging him out to dry."

[jaydenl]

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family; well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu.”

The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

“'Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu.”

The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

“Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu”

[Shangas]

Top 10 Caddy Comments

# 10
Golfer: 'Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.'
Caddy: 'Think you can keep your head down that long?'

# 9
Golfer: 'I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.'
Caddy: 'Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.'

# 8
Golfer: 'Do you think my game is improving?'
Caddy: 'Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.'

# 7
Golfer: 'Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?'
Caddy: 'Eventually.'

# 6
Golfer: 'You've got to be the worst caddy in the world.'
Caddy: 'I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.'

# 5
Golfer: 'Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction.'
Caddy: 'It's not a watch - it's a compass.'

# 4
Golfer: 'How do you like my game?'
Caddy: 'Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.'

# 3
Golfer: 'Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday? '
Caddy: 'The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day.'

# 2
Golfer: 'This is the worst course I've ever played on.'
Caddy: 'This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour a go.'

And the # 1 Best Caddy Comment:
Gol fer: 'That can't be my ball, it's too old.'
Caddy: 'It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.

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